The Phoenix is a long-lived bird that is cyclically regenerated or reborn.  Associated with the sun, a Phoenix obtains new life by rising from the ashes of its predecessor.
This life of mine has had times of such struggle and tragedy, it’s a wonder I didn’t succumb somewhere along the way.  There were many times where it came close to taking me down.  But it didn’t.  I pushed through that pain and trauma because I knew there was more for me on the other side.
In the last 6 months, I have dealt with all the remaining pain from my past and have reached this incredible place of feeling truly self-actualized.  I’m on the ladder of enlightenment and it’s from letting things go, wanting to move forward, upward, onward.  My NEED and desire to explore my place in this world and to make the most of my journey, is what has allowed me to rise up….rise up from the ashes of my predecessor - that is, the me and the life that was holding me back.

The Phoenix is a long-lived bird that is cyclically regenerated or reborn.  Associated with the sun, a Phoenix obtains new life by rising from the ashes of its predecessor.

This life of mine has had times of such struggle and tragedy, it’s a wonder I didn’t succumb somewhere along the way.  There were many times where it came close to taking me down.  But it didn’t.  I pushed through that pain and trauma because I knew there was more for me on the other side.

In the last 6 months, I have dealt with all the remaining pain from my past and have reached this incredible place of feeling truly self-actualized.  I’m on the ladder of enlightenment and it’s from letting things go, wanting to move forward, upward, onward.  My NEED and desire to explore my place in this world and to make the most of my journey, is what has allowed me to rise up….rise up from the ashes of my predecessor - that is, the me and the life that was holding me back.

Coda

So turns out “the wedding” was yesterday, not today, July 8th, like I had thought…like I was originally told…that said, men are terrible when it comes to remembering dates - even their own wedding so I suppose back in December when I asked “when is the big day”, he could have been much farther off, than just one day.

Saw the 2 pics (so far) come through on my Facebook feed yesterday - posted by a couple of his friends - both at the ‘altar’…one where they’re obviously saying vows and they’re holding hands, facing each other. She’s laughing and he’s looking down, probably nervous, maybe emotional…actually doing the talking for once (he was never good at expressing his feelings)…I suppose when you’re up in front of family and friends at your own wedding, you gotta be saying something.

I still feel numb. I haven’t cried yet. I’ve done so much crying over the last 2.5 years (I know, I know - red flag right…SO many red flags. It’s not like I wasn’t aware of them as they were waving around like a mofo all this time).  I expect the tears will come, but I think (I hope?) that there won’t be as many as I might’ve thought a month, 6 months, a year ago. I mean, it’s done. This shizz is DONE. He went through with it…he did it.  He’s married. The man I loved for more than two and a half years is married in Minnesota (sounds like a dumb-ass sitcom) - and soon to leave there for Australia, where they will settle.  Yes, it’s done and it’s over. Doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt.

A friend posted on my Facebook wall yesterday “his fucking loss”.  Very much agreed, but even more than that I can’t help but believe and KNOW, in my core, “my fucking GAIN”.  His departure - physically, emotionally…it is allowing me to become unbound. To open up.  And I can already feel those blockages which held me prisoner in my own heart, clearing.  That was no good from the beginning.  What I felt and allowed myself to feel, is what brought me to this place, and I know….never again.  Because I deserve so much more than this.  I deserve everything.