Regina Spektor - Folding Chair

This track makes me indescribably happy. Like, spring-in-my-step, stupid grin on my face, happy.

I first heard it 3 summers ago…it was released in June of 2009 and I somehow happened upon Regina and this song in particular, at the same time as the most extraordinary man entered my life. I remember one Saturday morning after an unbelievable Friday night together — he kissed me goodbye as he left for work but told me to sleep as long as I wanted, to help myself to whatever I wanted from his fridge. I did sleep for a little while after he’d gone, but I was buzzing too much. The night before was like none I’d ever known with someone. I felt the tendrils from his brain reaching out and finding mine…entwining round and round - making me feel like I’d finally found a kindred after a lifetime of feeling so alone in my own head. I felt I’d finally found someone who “got” my brain. Who was this man??  This cerebrally so evolved…elevated…dominant, highly intellectual, interesting and otherworldly man?  Who was also so unfuckingbelievably handsome it was kind of alarming.

We felt our energies come together, taking us to a different frequency. And the physical chemistry - OH GOD the physical chemistry.

My whole body was vibrating. My mind wouldn’t “come down”. I finally rose from the bed we’d constructed in the middle of the living room floor, dressed and left his place. As I made my way down the hill to lower Lonsdale so I could catch the sea bus - ‘Folding Chair’ filled my headphones and was my sunny Saturday morning soundtrack. 

I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt that excited and…content, and just…joyous. I bought myself a coffee at the Cafe for Contemporary Art on East Esplanade, and trekked home, the sun warming my face, people smiling as they passed me. The positive energy was oozing from my pores and it was palpable. 

It’s been 3 years and John and I have been seeing each other as lovers, though there is such potential for more. There’s the potential for it all. I would like more and I think there’s a big part of him that would like that too. But when I say our relationship is complicated and so extremely complex, that couldn’t be a bigger understatement. The timing or circumstances have never been ‘just so’ and so we have never fully come together, though after 3 years of intermittent and infrequent trysts, our orbits are still overlapping and there are still these amazing collisions between us. 

I (finally) recently spoke to him frankly and laid it out there - I don’t want to continue just having an infrequent lover for another 3, 5, 10 years. I’m looking for a partner. Someone with whom to create something real and long-lasting - with whom to share this crazy journey called…life. After all this time, it’s the connection with him (on all levels) that I still measure every single other person against…and no man has ever measured up. I could fall for him…oh GAWD, I could really fall for him all over again - like I did when we first met…but to a whole other level now that there are years of history between us. I’ve remained quite detached and separated the last couple of years because I knew the type of involvement we had. But I want more. I want to take a chance on this. Us. I want to do this if he wants to also. If not, I need to remove myself from this situation. I told him that as well.

************************

John and I left his place this morning - together. He’s still on the north shore, but in different place than that first summer. It was early morn, the sun was already high in the cloudless azure sky, the air warm on our skin, adding to the heat between us, still bathing us from a night that connected us like never before. We did a lot of talking and shared with each other many thoughts and concerns and ideas. It felt different than it has in the past.

We made our way to the Westside…to my side of the water - he will now be spending his work days in my neighborhood. Our energy orbits may well start colliding more, circumstances perhaps working to align, rather than diverge this time. Who knows. Only time will tell.

As we were about to part ways, he drew me to him and kissed me on the street corner, saying he’d talk to me soon. Walking towards Granville Island, I plugged in my headphones and hit shuffle. One guess what song started playing.

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